


Modern Love

by throughadoor



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-20
Updated: 2008-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 04:59:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1632770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/throughadoor/pseuds/throughadoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kids, did I ever tell you about the time I almost married your Aunt Robin?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Modern Love

**Author's Note:**

> Written for futuresoon

 

 

_Kids, did I ever tell you about the time I almost married your Aunt Robin? See, we were at the bar one night, and --_

"-- and that's what I mean," Ted said, his drink sloshing as he waved his hand for emphasis. "The number one factor when it comes to the success and failure of relationships in New York City is whether or not you have synchronized leases." 

"He's got a point," said Lily. "Remember when Mark and Rhonda broke up?" she asked Marshall.

"Ugh," Marshall said, groaning. "How could I forget? We got tickets to go to the Mets game with them and then they broke up and we had to go to with Rhonda and her _new_ boyfriend." 

Marshall leaned over the table, like he wanted to make sure that Ted and Barney fully understood that their trip to the ballpark with Rhonda and her new boyfriend had been even more painful than the implosion of the Mets' bullpen. This wasn't really necessary, because Ted had heard this story at least four times and Barney was just nodding in 90 second intervals while he tried to make simultaneous eye contact with three different members of the college girls volleyball team that was sitting by the jukebox. 

"His name was Christopher," Marshall said. "Except he spelled it Q-U-I-R-I-S-T-F-O-U-R. He spent the whole game talking about how professional sports promoted the American perpetual war culture and his dreadlocks smelled like feet."

"Mmm," Barney said, nodding.

"Anyway," Lily said, "Mark and Rhonda moved in together after they'd only been dating for three and a half months because Rhonda's grandmother moved to Florida and Rhonda got to sublet her rent controlled apartment in the Village."

Right about then, Robin walked in, heading straight to the bar, not even bothering to swing by the booth to shuck her coat. Eventually, she made her way over, carrying a martini in each hand. 

"Oh, thanks, Robin," Lily said, pushing her own empty martini glass to the center of the table. "I'll totally get the next round."

"Actually," Robin said, setting down both glasses at the end of the table, "these are both for me."

Barney, who had gotten the attention of both the tall blonde and the short, shapely redhead, and was in the process of formulating a joke about a set and spike, briefly diverted his attention back to the group and said, "Nice suit, Scherbatsky." 

"Thanks," said Robin, draining half of her right-hand martini in one sip while she unbuttoned her blazer. "Unfortunately, it was not nice enough to get me a second call-back as the cable access weather girl. I didn't get the job."

"Oh, no," everyone chorused. Barney even gave Robin a comforting pat on the shoulder as he turned his head to wink at the blonde.

"I'm sorry, Robin, that sucks," Ted said. "I had a really good feeling about this one, too."

"You've had a 'really good feeling,'" Robin said, miming the words with finger quotes, "about my last ten interviews. Let's face it. I'm completely unemployable."

"Aw, c'mon," Marshall said. "Remember how long it took me to find a job? It's not that bad."

"It really is, though," Robin said. "I didn't want to tell you guys before, but my visa is only good if I have a job in broadcast journalism. It expires in a month and if I don't have a job by then, I'm going to have to go back to Canada."

"No way," Ted said. "There must be something you can do. You can't move back to Canada." 

"Maybe it won't be so bad," Robin said. "My roommate from McGill said I could stay with her for a month or so, until I found a job. And I don't have to get a job as a news anchor if I'm back in Canada. I can always, I don't know, wait tables or something."

"Robin," Ted said, "you are a well-educated and successful woman. You are not going to move back to Canada and become a wait--" Ted trailed off, as he realized Stacey, the new waitress, was leaning over the table to collect their empties. "--tress," Ted finished lamely. "Not that being a, uh, wait staff person isn't a great job. You'd probably meet lots of interesting people and, uh--" Stacey just glared at him and stalked off. 

"Looks like you blew your chances of hooking up with Stacey," Barney said to Ted. "I'll let you in a little secret, though," Barney said, his voice dropping to a mock whisper. "You're not missing much." Ted rolled his eyes.

"There's got a be a way you can stay in the States," Lily said. "I know! What if you married someone who's an American citizen?"

"That doesn't even work in the movies," Robin said. "You end up getting interrogated by an immigration agent in a room without any windows and you get caught in a lie because you don't even live together or you don't know how the other person takes their coffee."

"Gee," Marshall said, "it's too bad you don't know someone who's single, already lives with you and knows how you take your coffee."

  
_Your Aunt Robin took her coffee black, and obviously I only offered to marry her so she wouldn't have to move back to Canada and become a waitress. I was just doing a friend a favor. I was totally over Robin. It was a complete marriage of convenience. But just try telling that to your Uncle Barney._

Barney burst through the door of the apartment. Robin, who was sitting on the couch in her pajamas even though it was 12:30 in the afternoon, shrieked and fumbled for the remote, switching off the TV. "Jesus Christ," Robin said. "Don't you knock? I know we never lock the door, but how do you get past the super?"

"I started having all my mail sent here a couple years ago," Barney said, wandering into the kitchen and helping himself to a glass of water. "I think she thinks I live here. Last week she gave me a package that was for Ted and told me to say hello to my partner. I guess she thinks Ted and I own a business or something."

"Yeah," Robin said, stifling laughter. "I'm sure that's what she thinks. But why do you have your mail forwarded here?"

"I like to keep my apartment free of any personal identifying information, makes it easier to bring chicks home and give them a fake name."

While Barney was in the kitchen, Robin stuffed the remote under a pillow and flipped open her laptop. Barney walked back into the living room and Robin said, "So what are you doing here, anyway? Because I'm really kind of busy, you know, writing cover letters, sending out the old resume." Unfortunately, when she flipped open her laptop, she'd neglected to notice that her screen showed the internet browser opened to a Youtube clip of a hockey fight from the night before. 

"And yet," Barney said, "why do I think that if I pulled the remote out from behind the pillow and turned on the TV, I'd find the third hour of a 90210 marathon?"

"It's the one where Kelly has the lesbian stalker," Robin said, crossing her arms sulkily. 

"Good times," Barney said, his eyes briefly glazing over. "But, so, I'm here to tell you you're making a huge mistake by going through with this green card marriage with Ted."

"I know it's a little unconventional," Robin said. "But I think Ted and I can make this work. If we get married, it'll keep Immigration off my back, and once I find a job, we can get a quickie divorce."

"This is Ted we're talking about," Barney said, beginning to pace behind the couch. "Ted doesn't do quickie divorces. Ted's had the song for the first dance at his wedding picked out since he was in junior high. Ted wants nothing more in life than to have twins and give them alliterative names. Ted probably knows what kind of food he wants to serve at his fiftieth wedding anniversary party."

"Okay, but--"

"'Adore,' by Prince."

"--Ted and I broke up almost two years ago, we both know this is just a favor for a friend--"

"Carly and Calvin. Either that or Carrie and Caleb. I always try to give myself a toothpick lobotomy when the subject comes up."

"--because Ted and I are friends. I mean, Ted's almost like my brother."

"Chicken salad sandwiches."

"Ted's, like, my bro, you know? That's what this is. A favor for a bro."

"No, no, no, no!" Barney said, stomping his foot. " _I_ am Ted's bro. If there are broly duties to be done, I will do them. It's in the Bro Code! You can look it up!"

"Wait a second," Robin said. "So you're basically saying that you want to marry Ted."

"No," Barney said, a little less emphatically this time. "No, no, no." He adjusted his tie. "I'm saying that there are certain things that you do for a friend, and one of them is telling your friend that marrying one of your friends as a favor is not one of the certain things that friends do. Now, my offer to get you paperwork that says you are Roberta Shermanski, born and raised in Augusta, Maine, still stands, but only until the end of the week." With that, Barney stormed out of the apartment.

  
_Back then, well, your Uncle Barney had some pretty strong feelings about marriage._

Barney took a cab over to Lily's school, making a couple long-distance phone calls to Qatar when the cab got stuck in crosstown traffic, thus ensuring that no one would notice if he didn't go into the office for the rest of the afternoon. Fortunately, his timing was perfect, and Lily was just starting to bundle up her kids into their coats.

"Barney, what are you doing here?" Lily said, and then, "Emmett, no, gloves go on your hands, not on your feet."

"It's elementary," Barney said, elbowing her. "See what I did there?" he added. "Single moms are like the low-hanging fruit of life's orchard." 

"Wow," Lily said. "I think this is a whole new low for you."

"Not really," Barney said. "I've been trying to pull this move for years, but it turns out that when a single guy in his thirties shows up where kids are being picked up from school, people get the wrong idea."

"Well," Lily said, "as long as you're here, the least you can do is help Ari get into his snow boots. Make sure you keep him at arm's length, though, he's got a little bit of a hitting problem."

"Okay, fine," Barney said. "But we need to talk about this Ted and Robin getting sham hitched and making a mockery of the sacred institution of marriage."

Lily snorted. "Please," she said. "You're the last person who's worried about protecting the sanctity of marriage."

"That is not true," Barney said. "Marriage is a very serious commitment that people need to be protected from."

Lily shook her head. "C'mon, kids, time to go," she said. "Barney, that includes you."

Barney picked up right where he left off once they were out on the sidewalk, and he was so distracted by the prospect of Ted and Robin's impending nuptials that he didn't even notice that mitten-challenged Emmett's mother was a total MILF and sporting a bare ring finger.

"You have to help me," Barney said. "Robin will listen to you. You can do that thing that chicks do and convince her that fake marrying Ted will make her look fat or something."

" _Barney_ ," Lily said, and slugged him on the shoulder.

"Ms. Aldrin, Ms. Aldrin!" Ari shrieked. "You get a time out!"

Once the kids were retrieved -- and Barney rallied to collect three phone numbers -- Lily and Barney went back into the classroom.

"Look," Lily said. "I know you're still secretly in love with Robin, but you can't expect her to not get fake married to Ted unless you tell her how you really feel."

"What?" Barney sputtered. "No!" he said, back in full fledged indignant denial fighting form. "No, no, no. This has nothing to do with the fake feelings you delusionally convinced yourself that I have for Robin."

"Right."

"Don't you see what a huge mistake this is?" Barney said. "Ted wants to get married in a field during mid-summer and have his first dance be to some crappy Prince song, played by a barefoot woman on an acoustic guitar. If he gets married to Robin at City Hall in a ceremony officiated by a disgruntled civil servant named Bertha, he'll end up regretting it for the rest of his life."

"Gosh, Barney," Lily said. "If it's so important to you that Ted have the perfect wedding, maybe you should marry him yourself."

"Don't be ridiculous," Barney said. "That's not even legal -- uh, legally sane. That's, you know, so crazy it should be illegal."

"Wow," Lily said. "I am so not touching that one with a ten-foot pole. Look," she said, leaning against her desk, "here's the thing. None of us want Robin to move back to Canada. The only way she can stay here is if she gets a job or if she and Ted get married. She's looking for a job, but the job market really sucks right now. It's not like some new cable network is going to spring up out of thin air."

Barney was examining the pictures the kids had drawn of their families for evidence of any hot moms he might have missed, but then his head abruptly snapped up and he said, "Wait! I've got it!" and scrambled out the door.

  
_What your Aunt Lily didn't know was what your Uncle Barney was doing on the phone with Qatar all afternoon, although she'd find out at the bar later that night._

"Sorry that took me so long," Robin said, sliding into the booth. "My friend Colleen called right when I was leaving the apartment. She just broke up with her boyfriend, she's pretty upset."

"That's awful," Lily said. "What happened?"

"Actually," Robin said, "things were going really well, they'd decided they wanted to move in together. But his lease ended in September and hers ended in March. So he got a sublet for six months until they could move into a new place together. The only problem is that the woman he's subletting from is a yoga instructor and apparently last night Colleen caught them together in the downward dog position."

"See," Ted said, "what did I tell you? The housing market is the number one reason for all relationship decisions."

"Yeah," Marshall said. "But who knew that the number two reason was getting a green card?"

"Very funny," Robin said. "But Ted, that reminds me, we probably shouldn't put this off any longer. What's your schedule like next week? We could meet at City Hall on your lunch hour, and--"

"Stop right there," Barney called out across the bar. "I'm putting a stop to this right now. I have found a solution to all of our problems. GNBCN."

"What's GNBCN?" said Ted.

"Goliath National Bank Cable Network," Barney said. "Soon to be offered on basic cable in a mid-major market near you. And I happen to know that they are looking for an evening news anchor."

"Goliath National Bank has its own cable network?" asked Lily.

"As of this afternoon they do, sure," Barney said.

"You convinced your company to buy a cable network?" said Robin.

"Technically, we happened to come into possession of the studios, satellites and production equipment that was used by the state-sanctioned television network until there was a friendly regime change that we, as an independent financial institution, had absolutely nothing to do with. Forget I even mentioned that last part. Anyway, Robin, you've got an audition tomorrow morning but it's a total formality, they're basically going to offer you the job, so now you and Ted don't have to get married, wow, Barney, that's great news, Robin, congratulations, let's celebrate, next round's on me." Barney got up and headed in the direction of the bar, leaving the rest of the group speechless in his wake.

After a minute, Ted joined Barney at the bar. "I can't believe you bought Robin a TV network," Ted said.

"Yeah, well, now you guys don't have to get married."

"I guess not," Ted said, leaning back against the bar and looking over at the booth, where Robin was making Lily and Marshall laugh by making her very serious news anchor expression while speaking into a beer bottle microphone. "I totally would have done it, but I guess it would have been kind of weird. Anyway, thank you."

"Don't mention it," Barney said. "Just promise me you'll never get married."

Ted laughed. "In the last six months, I've gotten left at the alter and I offered to marry my ex-girlfriend so she could get a green card. I think it's safe to say I'm cursed."

Ted was still watching Robin, who appeared to now be doing her it's-probably-still-too-soon Peter Jennings impression. So he didn't see the way that Barney was watching him. But that was sort of how it worked. Ted never did. 

  
_And so your Aunt Robin and I didn't get married, obviously, because otherwise how would I have married your mother? But she did get her big break as the nightly news anchor for GNBCN. And it was all thanks to your Uncle Barney._

 


End file.
